23rd Oct. 2010 - Luke's Photo shoot

I am so excited to wake up one Saturday morning to attend a photo shoot...

Lianne had her photograph taken in school 3 days ago and I don’t have any plans of having my own pictorial. It’s not my time to shine today coz I can tell that I start to look a bit puffy.  I don’t feel like posing in front of the camera, not that I’m not proud of my big bump… but because today is Baby Luke’s revelation day.

I should say it’s a revelation day coz we can now see how he looks like. He is only 28 weeks and 3 days old in my tummy but we’ve got the chance to take a look at him. Thanks to the advanced technology for giving us the chance to peep on Luke’s face via 3D-4D scan. I booked my appointment with Baby Bump in Oldbury, West Midlands few weeks ago and I’m looking forward to come to their clinic. I managed to have a good sleep during the night and I have already spoken to Baby Luke to grant us a big favour. Please impress us!…if you can stay awake even for few minutes and wave to us, that will be great. I want Luke to let us feel that he is doing ok for now and feels really comfy in mom’s tummy.

I was honest with Sharon, the Sonographer-In-Charge that day about the medical issues concerning Luke but we both agreed not to discuss any of those concerns because we’d like to enjoy the mother and child bonding session and forget any problem, even for now.

Lianne and Marlon are both giggling behind me as they see Baby Luke stretching, moving, yawning, swallowing fluids and even frowning. This is such a wonderful experience. I will not trade this important moment with anything else. I am all over the moon.

For me, this is a priceless experience. I am aware that in few months’ time I will be facing another chapter of my life, but for once, I forgot all the worries and fears. I put the entire problem behind and enjoy every single second feeling the close ties between me and my baby boy.

All I know is I am happy and the feeling is incomparable. We’re just so excited to see him soon…At least for now, I know he is pain free, comfortable and happy

    

                                       

21st Oct 2010...Off to London, not to visit the queen but to seek 2nd opinion

Now, I am heading to London with my hubby…not to watch the changing of the guards in Buckingham Palace, not to have luxury ride in London eye, nor to do window shopping in Harrods and definitely not to have a good sight of London… but to see Prof. Kypros Nicolaides in King’s College Hospital in London for a second opinion.

I set my alarm clock at 4:30am to catch the 6am coach towards London Victoria. But the last time I checked the clock, it was already 3am and I have not even gone into deep sleep. Perhaps I am just worried on what will be the outcome after this appointment. I have packed everything I needed from sandwiches to documents and specially my favourite reading guides, my prayer books. I have to leave Lianne a long list of "Things to do" and "Not to forget" as she is heading her own journey to school. I just wish that this is going to be a good day for all of us.

We arrived at King’s College Hospital at 10:45am and went straight ahead to find Harris Birthright Centre for our appointment. After reporting at the reception I started to wait…still waiting after an hour…and more patience after another hour. Finally, I was escorted to room 12 for screening. When I lay down the bed, I saw several doctors around me…7 doctors if I’m not mistaken. I was petrified seeing them watching over me. They are probably aware on what’s going on inside my tummy after receiving the referral sent by Mr. Shah.  Again, cold gel …slight pressing on my belly and the scan begins. They have been talking of numbers after every scan which I am trying to figure out…but unfortunately, I cannot understand what they’re talking about. But what made sense to me was when I overheard them talking about LHR (Lung to head ratio) of 1.5. That’s a lot better from the last time. (They consider 1.6 as normal). Then they are trying to figure out what’s coming up on the chest. I have heard the doctor mentioning stomach, bowels….and nothing else. Did I hear it right? Liver seems to be not appearing this time. I kept praying that they are right because I know that liver position is a predictor of baby’s outcome after birth. I remain quiet all throughout.  I have to wait for few minutes for the consultant to check the scan again. The consultant arrived, scanned me again and it looks like they agree with their findings. I started to breathe a bit easily.

Then, a Foetal cardiologist was asked to come in the room to see baby Luke’s heart. She went to check the 4 chambers and it’s function. And thanks God, heart is definitely functioning well. Another doctor performed an internal scan to measure my cervix. This particular scan makes me uncomfortable and still, I have to let them do it, I don’t think I have a choice. After the procedure, a specialist doctor came from nowhere started talking to me about FETO (Fetoscopic Tracheal occlusion) procedure. Am I going to have it done? I asked. I understand that FETO procedure is offered to mothers whose child’s LHR is below 1. So I started wondering what’s happening. We were given leaflets to explain the procedure and how long will it take. It is supposed to be a 15 minute procedure depending on the baby’s position and will be done under local anaesthetics. It’s an out-patient procedure, not requiring us to stay in the hospital overnight. I thought if it’s really required, I may not be able to have it done on that same day because I’m not psychologically prepared and I have a 12 year old daughter waiting for us to come home tonight. Another thing is I have a 4D scan appointment for Saturday (23^rd of Oct) and I don’t want any tube on my baby during his scan…but the doctor mentioned that the need for the procedure will be discussed after all the scan.

We were asked to wait in the lounge with other distressed couples. Some of them are crying for some reason. I just remembered that I am at the foetal medicine unit of the hospital and of course, they specialise in baby who might or have a problem. We were then called again by the Foetal medicine consultant in her room and when she started scanning, she did say “This is the worst I have seen!.” She really frightens me thinking there is a new problem that they identify with baby Luke. But after a while, I have realized that she is pertaining to this old Ultrasound machine that she is using. I am getting paranoid and I started to smile.

When she finished the final scan which then again is checked by another foetal medicine consultant and Foetal surgeon and observed by 3 more staff behind me (2 doctors and 1 NICU nurse), she spoke to Prof Nicolaides herself and finalized the decision. She came with the final verdict. She considers Baby Luke’s lung size acceptable at this stage and does not require FETO surgery.  The consultant said that the baby does not meet the criteria to undergo the procedure as they only offer it to babies whose chances are very slim. We were informed that there is a 50% chance of survival even without any management before delivery. There are still chances of neonatal death due to lung hypoplasia which is one of the major problem after birth.

I know that Luke is still unwell at this time and not perfectly fine on time of birth, but at least we were given 50% hope.  That is even better to hear than being told of 10% chance or no chance at all.

It’s been a very long and tiring day for us but going to Kings College Hospital is worth a visit. We’re pretty sure that we have done all our best and considered all the options available. Then God will take care of the rest. We thanked the Lord for better news today and still very hopeful for some more.

18th Oct 2010 - 27th wk scan (LHR and Liver position)

Scan shows: CDH left sided. Shows further herniation of abdominal contents up into the left side of the chest with significant are of liver measuring 30x27 mm seen behind the stomach and bowel. The heart remains deviated to the right side but normal anatomy and great artery connections. The basic 2 perpendicular measurement LHR is 1.3 today indicating poorer prognosis at present.

So, that explains it all. This time, I took things easily. I felt so weird maybe because, I was more prepared this time. Scan is not even getting any better…it’s probably getting worst. But I still would like to know my options. After the detailed explanation from Foetal medicine specialist midwife, I was given a clearer picture that I will have a planned deliver thru C-section so the team will be present on time of delivery. The baby’s condition is unpredictable until the time of birth and nobody can tell what is going to happen. After quietly listening to her and Mr. Shah, I have told her that “I can see all the possibilities that may arise after delivery, I am even expecting the worst scenario…but as a parent, in the back of my mind, I am still expecting the impossible and miracles to happen. And I would like to try every possible option available”. I mentioned about the possibilities of FETO (Fetoscopic tracheal occlusion) surgery. I asked if this will be another option for me to consider. Will it do me and my baby any benefit while he's in my womb or even right after birth?. I’d like to weigh the risks involved if I undergo the procedure against baby’s very poor condition after birth. I am glad they got my point. Ms. Amanda is very comforting telling me that she understood what I’m trying to say. I am sure she is a mother herself who can feel the heart of a mom to protect her helpless child. She assured me that she will book me an appointment with a specialist in London where we can inquire about the possibilities of the FETO surgery and maybe, a second opinion on the management of treatment.

After a day, I was booked to see Prof. Nicolaides in King’s College Hospital in London on the 21^st of October. It was a mixed emotion but I have to plan everything from our travelling, Lianne’s school arrangements and everything.

CDH awareness ribbon

Official Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness Ribbon - Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is a deadly birth defect that has struck over half a million babies since 2000. CDH occurs when the diaphragm fails to fully form, allowing abdominal organs into the chest cavity... and preventing lung growth. 50% of these babies do not survive. The cause is unknown. Please help CHERUBS to raise awareness of Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. http://www.cdhsupport.org/ Add Stickers to your profile pictures at http://apps.facebook.com/fribbon/group.php?gid=3443&refer=pp

17th Oct 2010... Luke 18: 1-8

17^th October 2010

Another scan due tomorrow, what do I expect this time…It’s my husband’s 38^th birthday tomorrow and I feel so selfish to ask gift from God, in his behalf. I was talking to the Lord and I asked him to spare Luke to us and help him to be okey and healthy once he is born.

We attended the 3^rd Sunday mass celebrated by our good priest friend, Fr. Edgar. I know it will be another moment for us coz I can’t help but cry every time I hear God’s message for us. I don’t know if it’s just a mere coincidence, but this is HIS message to us through the Sunday gospel:

Luke 18: 1-8

Jesus told his disciples a parable about the need to pray continually and never lose heart. ”There was a judge in a certain town” he said “who had neither fear of God nor respect form man”. In the same town there was a widow who keep on coming to him and saying, “I want justice from you against my enemy!” For a long time he refused, but at last he said to himself, “Maybe I have neither fear of God nor respect form man, but since she keeps pestering me I must give this widow her just rights, or she will persist in coming and worry me to death.” And the Lord said, “You notice what the unjust judge has to say? Now will not God see justice done to his chosen who cry to him day and night even when he delays to help them? I promise you, he will see justice done to them, and done speedily. Bu when the Son of Man comes, will he find any faith on earth?”

This seems a very clear message for me not to give up praying and to continuously trust in HIM. As Fr. Edgar said, “Kulitin mo ang Diyos, at sa bandang huli bibigay din Sya”. But one sad part of the homily says that sometimes, even how hard we prayed to God to answer our prayers, God may chose not to grant our wishes. Not because He wants us to suffer, not because He wants us to hate Him…but maybe because, He has a purpose.

4th October 2010 – 25th week scan

I went for another trip to the Ante-natal clinic to see my Foetal consultant, Mr. Shah. I had a sleepless night prior to this appointment. Not because I’m busy at work but because I was worried of the ultrasound outcome. I don’t want another sad news…I have prayed the rosary and asked God to please give me a good news. I felt so uneasy coming to the hospital. I recently got another rosary from good friend Imee and this made me more hopeful in facing this journey of mine.

Scan begins, if I remember right, it took Mr. Shah another half an hour to take a good look at Luke in the monitor. It worries me a lot looking at his unpredictable face. And after half an hour silence, he made his comment saying that “Liver seems coming up to the chest”, not a very good sign I know. If I can choose to be deaf for another hour or so not to hear the next words he has to say, I’d rather be deaf. But of course, I have to listen and absorb every details of all this information. Yet again, this is another day of disappointment for me not expecting things like this. But life must go on, as I always say. I’m not sure whether I am trying to convince myself that this is just usual for life, or maybe, this is my escape to the reality.

I have updated my friends thru text and changed my Facebook status saying, “I was told that my CDH baby has a POORER prognosis...God, please shower me with more strength and miracles. I trust and Believe in you :(“. I am not after sympathy, I just want to communicate and share what’s bothering inside me. After 37 comments from friends, I was rest assured that these good friends of mine are praying for me and giving me words of encouragement.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=411707072479&set=a.382840242479.162280.796622479&ref=fbx_album#!/permalink.php?story_fbid=144557592254989&id=796622479

I have sent letters to friends thru e-mails and facebook saying…

Thanks for the thoughts.

I had my 25th week scan last monday and I am so sad to hear that the doctor is now suspecting the liver coming up to the chest at this stage. I understand from different researches that once liver is involved, it is a POORER prognosis. They have told me about a Feto procedure (Foetal surgery) but I don’t know if I will consider it for now. There’s only one hospital in London who performs the procedure and I think there is a greater risk to undertake if I’m going all through that.

My heart is broken into pieces…if I can only do something to push all this organs down. But nothing I can do and I feel so helpless. I thought I am alright for now coz I have lots of support from family and friends. But it looks like I’ve started from scratch again.

I wish I will be tougher in my next few weeks of battle. Another scan again in two weeks time and I’ll patiently wait for a hopeful positive development. Please include me and baby Luke in your prayers.

I am just about to start my roller coaster ride…and I hope that I’ll be able to make it until the end. It’s hypocrisy to say that I am strong enough to face this trial, in fact, tears are still pouring down and I felt so weak…very weak.

But the Bible says, “God keeps His promise, and He will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out”.

For now, nothing I can do but to hold on to HIM, so tight that I will not loose HIS hands. I will let HIM share this burden with me. I am sure, the Lord will keep me going.

In God's grace,

24th Sept 2010- Back to routine

I was dreading to come back to work and do my first shift in the hospital. Although I considered myself physically fit to attend to my patient, I am not sure if I will be emotionally ready to face the “How are you?” questions at work. Well, I have to share them the truth. At least it could probably ease my burden. When I arrived at work, I am trying to fit on what we called ward routine…and it’s not that bad. My Ex-manager Mei mei was around on that shift and she silently ask how am I doing. I can see in her eyes how worried she is about my current situation. The minute she hugged me, it’s all tears between us. We are both sobbing and feeling the pain. She is truly a mother to me. I started sharing her story and I can feel that she is also carrying my burden. She was giving me all the advice she can offer and I really appreciate it. After the talk, I felt the harmony between us and I know that she has a shoulder to cry on. I was so grateful to have a friend in you Mei mei.

Book of inspiration...The Purpose Driven Life

I believe that whatever your faith is, as long as you believe in HIM, nothing makes any difference from the others. I am a devoted Roman Catholic, but I don't read the bible very often like the others.

I was inspired by the book “The Purpose driven Life” by Rick Warren. This book was given to us by good friends Joon and Fem Ruelos  when we had a little house gathering 4 years ago. I did run through the book few times before but I don’t remember taking time to understand every chapter. It’s now full of dust in my drawer but the minute I saw it, I knew that this is the best time to give my full attention to it. i felt so guilty that it took years before this book caught my attention. and now, in this very difficult time of my life. I have jotted down some of my favourite verses that I have read in the chapters of the book.

Chapter 2: You are not an accident

The Bible says, “You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in Your Book!”

God says, “I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you.”

Chapter 3: What drives your Life?

The bible says, “To worry yourself to death with resentment would be foolish, senseless things to do “

If you have felt hopeless, hold on! Wonderful changes are going to happen in life as you begin to live it on purpose. God says, “I know what I’m planning for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future”. You may feel you are facing an impossible situation, but the Bible says, “God…is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of – infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thought, or hope.”

Chapter 5: Seeing Life from God’s view

God’s view of life; Life is a test, life is a trust, and life is a temporary assignment.

The Bible says, “God keeps His promise, and He will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out.

Every time you pass a test, God notices and make plans to reward you in eternity. James says, “Blessed are those who endure when they are tested. When they pass the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who loved Him.”

Poem by Russell Kelfer

You are who you are for a reason.

You’re part of an intricate plan.

You’re a precious and perfect unique design

Called God’s special woman and man

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God has made no mistake.

He knot you together within the womb,

You’re just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose,

And no matter how you feel,

They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,

And they bear the Master’s seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into his likeness you’d grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You’ve been formed by Master’s rod.

You are who you are, beloved,

Because there is a GOD!

My special companion...The Lord

The whole time I stayed at home is really full of stress and boredom. But I am really thankful that God made a way to keep me pre-occupied from day to day. I talk to different friends every day and telling them my story. I asked them, not for sympathy, but for prayers for me and baby Luke. I began to appreciate the beauty of reading good books like “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren and “The Daily bread”. I seek the assistance of Saint Jude, The patron of the hopeless and began my 9 days novena to the Divine mercy.  I felt so relieved after giving up everything to the Lord. I felt that I am never alone and I have all the hope that everything will be ok. One time, during my quiet moment,  I just remember the song “Lift up Your Hands” so I immediately searched the internet for the lyrics. This gave me the answer to all my questions…

The song: Lift Up Your Hands

 by Basil Valdez

Life is not all that bad, my friend,
If you believe in yourself
If you believe there's Someone
Who walks through life without you
You'll never be alone
Just learn to reach out,
And open your heart
Lift up hands to God,
And He'll show you the way.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."

When you feel the world
Is tumblin' down on you,
And you have no one
That you can hold on to,
Just face the rising sun
And you'll see hope,
And there's no need to run
Lift up your hands to God,
And He'll make you feel all right.

And He said, "Cast your burdens upon Me
Those who are heavily laden,
Come to Me, all of you who are tired
Of carrying heavy loads,
For the yoke I will give you is easy
And My burden is light,
Come to Me and I will give you rest."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qINNR0Oblsc

6th Sept 2010 - Another trip to the hospital for Amniocentesis

September 6, 2010

Another day has come for me to see Mr. Shah, Fetal medicine consultant from city hospital. For the fourth time, Baby Luke will be scanned again. It is a different feeling this time since I have recognized the real problem. I have accepted baby Luke’s diagnosis, but again hoping that there will be no new problem that may arise. I just hope that Baby luke’s heart is ok. At least I know that his heart can beat as good as mine.

Mr. Shah started the scan again. Once he started, I also started to recite the rosary while staring the monitor. Marlon is closely watching Mr Shah rather than the monitor. I am sure he’s looking for positive reactions. Findings remain the same, although there’s no positive progress, at least, it hasn’t worsened from the last time. I am glad to hear that, He suggested us about having Amniocentesis procedure. Before we came in his clinic, we have already decided that I am not going through this test because I don’t plan to terminate the baby anyway. But Mr Shah explained to me that this test may help with the planning of management once Baby Luke is born. It may delay the management in case another problem in not seen prior to delivery. It is like seeing the clear picture once baby Luke is out from my tummy. We did understand what he meant so I gave him the consent to carry out the procedure.

“No local anaesthetics”, I was told. I was then prepared for the procedure and I saw this very long needle pierced in my tummy as guided by the ultrasound. It was more painful than I thought. I can feel marlon’s hands squeezing on mine. I remember watching my own patient having paracentesis and lumbar tap crying in pain. They took 20mls of clear fluid from my belly and after few minutes, needle was removed. Amniotic fluid was collected and procedure is finally done.

I was told to wait for 2-3 days for the initial result to come back. And Alison, the midwife, promised to give me a ring at home. I told myself that this is one phone call that I hate to receive myself. I had the initial result and it all came back fine. I was told that there are no signs of Trisomy problems (like Down’s syndrome & Edward’s syndrome) but the complete result will come back in 2 weeks’ time.

Hardship in acceptance...

I think the most difficult thing for me to do is to accept the fact that there is a problem. I have hopes that if I return to the doctors one day, they will just tell me that all the findings are all normal and nothing to worry about. But I’m just giving myself false hopes. How will I move on to the stage of recovery if I will not be able to accept the truth that there is a problem happening in my tummy and I have to take some actions. Maybe for now, nothing I can do but at least, I have to do something to prepare myself and the baby for the time of delivery.

I started opening to friends and began asking questions about the baby’s condition. They are not all experts but at least, they can give me pieces of advice and words of encouragement. I am glad I have very good friends like Precy and Dang who can share their time with me. I don’t want to bother them at all but they are there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. I have told them about my guilts, my worries, my frights and my plans. They have not been judgemental, yet they have been so patient listening to my stories even if I say the same thing over and over again.

I have used the power of Facebook to let people know how frightened I am to face the reality. I don’t want their sympathy nor their pity, but all I want is their understanding and words of comfort to make me stronger day by day. I have sent messages to friends asking for their prayers and they all responded granting my request. I have enough words from friends and I know that they will always be there for me. I have seen their tears and I have felt their concerns. And for me, that is more than enough.

Footprint in the Sand

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

 http://llerrah.com/footprints.htm

My Cardiology appointment

My test

After series of scans to chek my baby's condition. it is my turn this time to be investigated.

I have to undergo a diagnostic procedure to check my heart. I was diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse (MVP) 10 yrs ago following chest heaviness, orthopnoea and high blood pressure. They want to have it checked again to make sure that I will be fit to have the surgery (C-section). When I went to have my 2D echocardiogram at Sandwell Hospital, I am a little worried in case they find another problem again. But I was convinced that whatever the result of the investigation, I will not let them do anything. Iwas a little bit uncomfortable during the test as I felt so embarrassed exposing myself to a stranger. But, I have to  have this done for my own peace of mind. it took quite a while for the cardio-technicain to scan one side of my chest. And after the lady finished scanning, she did say that she’s going to ask a colleague to check it again. Again?

They told me the same thing when they found a problem in my 20th wk scan. I started praying that it is not going to be the same again. But I am pleased to hear the second technician saying that they cannot find anything significant. At least now I know I am clear.

31st Aug 2010 - Confirmed Congenital Diaphragmatic hernia (CDH)

August  31, 2010

It is now time for me to see Mrs Bhaktar, specialist to do a detailed anatomy scan for my baby boy Lucas. I didn’t manage to finish a breakfast as I remained numb and helpless. I am praying sincerely on our way to the hospital and hoping that everything is just a bad dream. When I went through the scan again, the room was so quiet. I kept on looking between the monitor and the doctor’s facial reaction. I want to hear an explanation right then and then but she’s trying to study everything in detail. When the scan is done, she confirmed the diagnosis from her findings. So…these are all true! This is not just a bad dream but a fact that we have to face.

Mrs Bhaktar explained to me the case again. By that time, I am already familiar with the case as I have already done my research.  Again, very, very rare, serious, crucial and life threatening for the baby once the cord is clamped.  She then told me that I need to have amniocentesis to see if there is any underlying complication that needs attention. This has to be done as soon as possible to make the next decision. The worst of all, I heard her saying that if I don’t want to continue with the pregnancy, I will undergo termination of pregnancy by foeticide (injecting  chemicals to stop the baby’s heart). I just look at my husband’s eye but can’t find any answer.

I am now trapped between 2 major decisions. It’s either to continue or interrupt the pregnancy? Because I’m in a medical profession, I can understand the root of the idea about termination. Doctors are thinking the practical side of life considering the quality of life for the baby. But on the other hand, I am a practicing catholic and abortion is unacceptable. The crucial decision lies between me and my husband.  We were thinking the pros and cons of every angle. It is never easy…and going to be the most important decision that we have to make in our life.

The first person I would like to speak to that time is our priest friend, Father Edgar. He enlightened my mind about God and the purpose of life. He is an instrument of God to give me all the information I want to hear.  His pieces of advice gave answers to all my questions. Everything is not scientifically answered, but God can. “All things are possible with God”. He told me that God chose to give us this very special baby because He has a purpose. I was sobbing and speechless while listening to father Edgar. He told me to submit everything to God and he will keep us in our prayers. Father Edgar offered us his time if I needed somebody to talk to. I knew I have chosen to speak to the right person after all these test. I am still sad, very sad…but pretty sure, I am on my way to my recovery. It may take time a long time, but I now starting to accept the truth and has to live with it.

Sleepless nights...still seeking for answers

I was warned not to check on the internet as this may give me worst scenario which is not very nice. But who can’t stop a person wondering for an answer. Once I got home, i started browsing on the internet and my researches gave me answers. What is diaphragmatic hernia? What caused it? What happens after delivery and how is it treated? In all the researches I have done, it all shows one similar thing. Case is very rare (1:2,500-3,500), very crucial, very serious and life threatening.

I feel sorry for my little boy Lucas. He has not even seen the world and yet, he is facing the worst trial of his life. I told him I will be strong for him and we will face this trial together.  I comforted baby Lucas by a little pat in my tummy and reassuring him that everything will be alright. I told him that his family loves him so much and we can’t afford if anything bad happens to him. Dad kissed Baby Lucas and asked him to be strong for me and for himself. I can’t hold on to anything other than prayers. It’s going to be another 16 weeks before I deliver baby Lucas and the dilemma that we’re all going to face is very difficult.

It has been a very long weekend for me waiting to see the foetal consultant in City Hospital. I am hoping against hope. I am praying that everything is just a mistake. I had all the comforting words from my husband. I know he is not ok himself but I’m sure that he is trying to be calm and strong for me. He is assuring me that everything will turn out well the next time we see the next doctor. I have told Lianne that his little brother is not very well so we have to pray for his safety. My husband took us out for a weekend break to forget the worries, even for 2 days. Even I tried so hard to get the thoughts out of the way; there are still moments that tears just drop from nowhere.

Sleepless nights, long day of waiting  and seeking answers to thousands of question. We have told the family and few friends about what is happening. It is sad news for everybody but we were given the assurance that we will be in their thoughts and prayers. It is very nice of them.

26th Aug 2010 - Diagnosis on my 20th wk scan

Another visit to the hospital, but this time, it’s not because of an illness. I am scheduled to have my 20^th week ultrasound scan in the ante-natal unit. It was 8am, quite early for me but I’m not bothered because this is our deciding point on what to name our little baby.  My husband chose pretty names for a boy and a girl. We’re thinking of names with an “L” to match big sister’s name, Lianne.

I was called to room for my scan. I rushed myself to the examination bed and waited for this cold gel to land in my tummy. I was watching the monitor when the lady started scrolling her instrument on the top of my belly. I can’t feel any discomfort while watching my little baby moves. My husband is quietly smiling and watching while on his seat. I remember the lady saying that head is ok, thighs are ok, and hands are seen, bladders and kidneys are also normal. She was saying that she cannot see the heart clearly, maybe because I haven’t drank enough water. So she kept coming back on the same spot several times. But it seems never ending checks. I started to wonder what seems happening. I was keeping my fingers crossed.

The sad news

A sad news was revealed. The lady looked at me and said, “Sorry it takes long to do this, it looks like there is a bit of a problem and I cannot see the baby’s heart”. What!!! But I was speechless. I would like to rattle her with questions but I’d rather give her a chance to speak. After some more checks, she explained to me that it looks like that the baby has a DIAPHRAGMATIC HERNIA and she will ask her colleague to double check it for her. I haven’t heard of that certain term before. I am in a medical profession but this case doesn’t sound familiar to me.  I know what hernia is, but diaphragmatic hernia…no idea all. A senior sonographer came in the room and did the same thing again. I can’t think anymore. I was numb and helpless. All I can do is to wait. The same news was confirmed to me by the second lady. She tried to explain the findings to me using simple terms that I can easily understand. It sounds like a very serious problem and very unusual.  The only thing I managed to ask is, “What is the chance of survival while the baby is in the womb?”, They both told me that the pregnancy is going to continue as normal but I will be referred to a specialist midwife after the scan. I have also asked if they have encountered the same thing like mine, they replied that they have 1 case in 2 years.  What? 1 in 2 years?  I can’t cry that time. No chance for me to cry as my mind is trying to think too fast. 

The scan is almost finished, but I have not heard of any news about the baby’s gender. As they dry the gel in my tummy,  I have asked another question. “I know it’s the least of my concern, but can you tell me what the baby’s gender.” The lady apologized and told me that it’s a boy. 

Instead of the excitement in picking names for our little baby boy, my husband and I remains quiet and just watching the time to see the next person. I can’t comment while waiting to be called by the midwife. I was just holding on my husband’s hands and keep asking myself repeatedly what seem happening. I was hoping that nothing is serious, but at the back of my mind, I felt so distressed. I started asking the guidance of the almighty Father while waiting to be called. The midwife told me that I will be referred to a specialist consultant called Foetal medicine in the other hospital. She told  me that they deal with special cases like mine. I started to understand that my baby’s case is not one of the common ones. And I don’t know what to think from there.

14th May 2010 - The announcement...2 lines at last!

Hi guys! my quiet journey to motherhood began 27 weeks ago...but I decided to start telling you my story from day 1 when I found out that I'll be embracing my quiet journey to another motherhood.

My QUIET JOURNEY TO MOTHERHOOD

Me and my husband Marlon were married for 12 years and has a 12 year old daughter, Lianne. Our life was full of excitement and laughter. We love travelling around and making the most of the weekends spending family day out. It is almost perfect, I should say. Until one day, while I am having an informal chat with my husband, we decided to plan for another baby. We have sought the help of family and friends to pray with us to make this wish of ours true. We prayed really hard for another baby. I remember once in prayer that I asked the help of my dad (who died 10 years ago) to whisper to Almighty Father our wish of having a new precious one. We also ask the assistance of my Obstetrician to give us advice to make this pregnancy happen.

It takes years for us to make this happen, until I have a test one afternoon that gave me a shocking result. My pregnancy test kit shows 2 lines…yes, it’s positive and I’m pregnant. I just can’t believe with what’s happening so I have done the test again, and again, and again…and settled after my 9^th test. We are really happy and feeling so excited. I started imagining myself with the big bump and thinking of different scenario with me, my daughter and the newest member of the family.

I have shouted the good news to everybody…including the social network site, Facebook. Everyone is really happy for us. I started different researches in the internet about my baby’s development and even browsing the net looking for baby’s things like cots, car seats and push chairs. I don’t know where to begin. That’s how excited I am.

This pregnancy is never an easy one. I was 22 when I first got pregnant and this one is totally different. On my 7^th week of pregnancy, I have noticed some bleeding coming out from me. I rushed to the hospital and investigations were done. “It’s just one of those things”, they told me. I was discharged home and was told that it’s normal to pass brown blood during the early pregnancy. I wasn’t convinced so I started browsing on the internet (my confidante at that time). And they gave me answers that weren’t really that clear to me. I didn’t stop worrying. But as the time goes on, it did settle and gave me a piece of mind. I went back to work and my colleagues are very helpful. Most of them are very considerate of my situation, although there are some who doesn’t seem to care.

I can’t wait to have my 12th week scan. I wanted my baby’s picture and so excited to share it to everyone. Scan went well. I was told that the baby is doing fine. We even see the baby move and waved to us. It was an unforgettable experience. I have also seen the midwife and heard the baby’s heartbeat. It was a relief and very reassuring.

I thought my worries are over. Then on my 19^th week of pregnancy, here I go again. I’m back to the hospital with my brown discharges.  After a thorough examination, the doctor explained to me that my cervix is closed and there’s no sign of active bleeding. The doctor diagnosed it as urinary tract infection and I was sent home with antibiotics. I started to wonder why everything is not going on smoothly. It has been numerous hospital visits and I am not even halfway with this pregnancy. But I calmed myself thinking that this baby is a gift and I should never complain.

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