11th Nov 2010 - 31 weeks now

Be content with what you have, for God has said,

 "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  So say with
     confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid."

- Hebrews 13:5,6

Time flies really quick and I didn’t realize that I only have few weeks left and we will finally see our precious baby Luke. It’s really troublesome to stay at home all day so I decided to make my “things to do list” as I prepare for the arrival of my little one. This will also be my COUNTDOWN towards the big day.

I am positive that I will be having an elective Caesarean Section on my 38^th week (probably from 28^th of December) although I have not received any appointment letter to see my OB-Gynae in Birmingham Women’s Hospital. Everything is just my anticipation. But in case this will be the situation, I have to ensure that everything is in place from Christmas decorations, presents and even up to Christmas menu. Everything should be according to plan.

I have started packing baby Luke’s things in a bag and set them aside ready to be picked up on our way to the hospital. I am just about to start to put my things together as most of my favourite pajamas are still in the laundry. But I have already set my deadline when to have it all done.

What annoy me at this stage are the red spots that start to appear on my neck and chest. I started to feel a bit conscious but as I did my research, it just shows that it’s normal during pregnancy so I have to bear with it. I am also suffering from bad heartburn and insomnia but I can’t complain anymore because of what I went through.

I am still off from work because my blood pressure remains uncontrolled. But there are no signs of protein in my urine so I know I am safe. I am not sure if it’s worth coming back for the next 2 weeks because it may aggravate my hypertension. But I’ll see how it goes…

I am just taking things easy nowadays. Spending lazy day at home, catching up with last minute housework, spending quality time with Lianne and trying to organize things for the coming baby. And most of all, I also find time to say my little prayer for my daily devotion seeking for more miracle and divine intervention for the safe arrival of my little baby Luke.

1st - 3rd Nov 2010...My 3 day hospital stay

It’s now November and I am looking forward for a new beginning. But instead of celebrating Halloween, All Saint’s day and All Soul’s day…I ended up in 3 day hospital stay.

I was finally discharged from the hospital after 3 days and was diagnosed with Essential Hypertension. I went to see my community midwife last Monday (1st of November) for a routine appointment and felt perfectly fine, until my blood pressure was checked. I felt a bit tired after finishing my 3 night shifts without proper sleep during the day and unfortunately feeling so upset and stressed at work for some petty reason.

I tried to close my eyes for few hours to get myself ready for the day. But all I can see is a picture of disappointment and embarrassment I had at work. I hate self-pitying…but I just can’t help but feel sorry for myself. Anyway, Life must go on.

I can’t believe that my blood pressure was 170/110. I thought it can’t be right but after having it checked for more than 3 times, I was convinced that my blood pressure is sky high. I thought it’s probably stress-related but I can be wrong. The good thing is, I don’t feel anything unusual like headaches and blurring of vision (coz they said that it’s a bad sign). By the time I was referred to Sandwell Hospital labour ward, I was just praying that this isn’t Pre-Eclamspia (a medical condition in which hypertension arises in pregnancy; pregnancy-induced hypertension). This is my worst fear as I can’t afford to deliver baby Luke at this early stage, I am only 29 weeks and 5 days and in case I have to give birth now, the risk is very high and it will cause lots of complications.

I stayed in the labour ward for hours thinking that they will only stabilize my blood pressure and send me home afterwards for a good rest. But it was already 8pm and none of the blood pressure machine wants to give me a low blood pressure reading. I was given tablets to control my BP but it doesn’t seem to work. The good thing is, baby Luke doesn’t seem to be bothered. He was put on a monitor and he is not showing any sign of distress. “Good boy Luke…settle there in my tummy and make yourself comfortable. Mommy will be alright”, I told Luke.

I have no choice but to stay in the hospital and send Marlon and Lianne home. I was left to stay in a massive room in Labour ward with a birthing pool. Room is a cosy but spooky (laugh out loud). I was in the middle of my sleep when the water starts pouring into the pool. It made me jump. A lady came inside the room and told me that it was on timer. What a relief…

Well then, BP is monitored half hourly until stable. But it seems never ending. I didn’t manage to sleep at all. Maybe a good 2 hours I should say.

2^nd November 2010

I was seen by the Obstetrics team on call during the ward rounds. The Consultant on call informed me that they are considering diagnosis of Pre-eclampsia because of my relatively high blood pressure. And as a preparation for emergency delivery in case I need it, I will be given 2 doses of steroid injection to help improve the baby’s lungs. As we were discussing it, I noticed that the consultant is not aware of Luke’s condition so I start telling him the whole story (that the baby is diagnosed with a congenital condition, etc, etc). He said he will liase with my Fetal Med Consultant and there’s a possibility of being transferred to Birmingham Women’s Hospital on the same day as I was expected to deliver there. So all day, other than worrying of my condition, I was also worrying of Luke as what will happen to both of us at the end of the day.

I was relieved after learning that all my blood results and urine dipstick came back normal and they’ll keep me in the same unit. I was kind of bored all day as I was not used of lying down and keeping still in one room. But God really has an answer to everything.  The midwife who was assigned to look after me that day is a real expert. She’s not only good in handling patient cases but she’s also excellent in dealing with people. It seems like I have found a new friend in her. Even if we only knew each other for few minutes, I felt so comfortable talking to her and sharing her my life story, and vise versa. It’s never a dull moment with Sister Pushpa when we started sharing verses from the bible and the purpose of life.

3^rd November 2010

I was finally sent home on my third day with anti-hypertensive medications. I was still doubtful that day whether I’ll be discharged from the hospital knowing that my blood pressure still ranges from 140/85 – 160/100…but with all the sleepless nights, I thought I had enough.

I was so happy to be home and I missed my bed so much. Marlon pampers me with a nice supper and made sure that everything is in place. "There is no place like home…and I am sure baby Luke agrees with me. "

23rd Oct. 2010 - Luke's Photo shoot

I am so excited to wake up one Saturday morning to attend a photo shoot...

Lianne had her photograph taken in school 3 days ago and I don’t have any plans of having my own pictorial. It’s not my time to shine today coz I can tell that I start to look a bit puffy.  I don’t feel like posing in front of the camera, not that I’m not proud of my big bump… but because today is Baby Luke’s revelation day.

I should say it’s a revelation day coz we can now see how he looks like. He is only 28 weeks and 3 days old in my tummy but we’ve got the chance to take a look at him. Thanks to the advanced technology for giving us the chance to peep on Luke’s face via 3D-4D scan. I booked my appointment with Baby Bump in Oldbury, West Midlands few weeks ago and I’m looking forward to come to their clinic. I managed to have a good sleep during the night and I have already spoken to Baby Luke to grant us a big favour. Please impress us!…if you can stay awake even for few minutes and wave to us, that will be great. I want Luke to let us feel that he is doing ok for now and feels really comfy in mom’s tummy.

I was honest with Sharon, the Sonographer-In-Charge that day about the medical issues concerning Luke but we both agreed not to discuss any of those concerns because we’d like to enjoy the mother and child bonding session and forget any problem, even for now.

Lianne and Marlon are both giggling behind me as they see Baby Luke stretching, moving, yawning, swallowing fluids and even frowning. This is such a wonderful experience. I will not trade this important moment with anything else. I am all over the moon.

For me, this is a priceless experience. I am aware that in few months’ time I will be facing another chapter of my life, but for once, I forgot all the worries and fears. I put the entire problem behind and enjoy every single second feeling the close ties between me and my baby boy.

All I know is I am happy and the feeling is incomparable. We’re just so excited to see him soon…At least for now, I know he is pain free, comfortable and happy

    

                                       

21st Oct 2010...Off to London, not to visit the queen but to seek 2nd opinion

Now, I am heading to London with my hubby…not to watch the changing of the guards in Buckingham Palace, not to have luxury ride in London eye, nor to do window shopping in Harrods and definitely not to have a good sight of London… but to see Prof. Kypros Nicolaides in King’s College Hospital in London for a second opinion.

I set my alarm clock at 4:30am to catch the 6am coach towards London Victoria. But the last time I checked the clock, it was already 3am and I have not even gone into deep sleep. Perhaps I am just worried on what will be the outcome after this appointment. I have packed everything I needed from sandwiches to documents and specially my favourite reading guides, my prayer books. I have to leave Lianne a long list of "Things to do" and "Not to forget" as she is heading her own journey to school. I just wish that this is going to be a good day for all of us.

We arrived at King’s College Hospital at 10:45am and went straight ahead to find Harris Birthright Centre for our appointment. After reporting at the reception I started to wait…still waiting after an hour…and more patience after another hour. Finally, I was escorted to room 12 for screening. When I lay down the bed, I saw several doctors around me…7 doctors if I’m not mistaken. I was petrified seeing them watching over me. They are probably aware on what’s going on inside my tummy after receiving the referral sent by Mr. Shah.  Again, cold gel …slight pressing on my belly and the scan begins. They have been talking of numbers after every scan which I am trying to figure out…but unfortunately, I cannot understand what they’re talking about. But what made sense to me was when I overheard them talking about LHR (Lung to head ratio) of 1.5. That’s a lot better from the last time. (They consider 1.6 as normal). Then they are trying to figure out what’s coming up on the chest. I have heard the doctor mentioning stomach, bowels….and nothing else. Did I hear it right? Liver seems to be not appearing this time. I kept praying that they are right because I know that liver position is a predictor of baby’s outcome after birth. I remain quiet all throughout.  I have to wait for few minutes for the consultant to check the scan again. The consultant arrived, scanned me again and it looks like they agree with their findings. I started to breathe a bit easily.

Then, a Foetal cardiologist was asked to come in the room to see baby Luke’s heart. She went to check the 4 chambers and it’s function. And thanks God, heart is definitely functioning well. Another doctor performed an internal scan to measure my cervix. This particular scan makes me uncomfortable and still, I have to let them do it, I don’t think I have a choice. After the procedure, a specialist doctor came from nowhere started talking to me about FETO (Fetoscopic Tracheal occlusion) procedure. Am I going to have it done? I asked. I understand that FETO procedure is offered to mothers whose child’s LHR is below 1. So I started wondering what’s happening. We were given leaflets to explain the procedure and how long will it take. It is supposed to be a 15 minute procedure depending on the baby’s position and will be done under local anaesthetics. It’s an out-patient procedure, not requiring us to stay in the hospital overnight. I thought if it’s really required, I may not be able to have it done on that same day because I’m not psychologically prepared and I have a 12 year old daughter waiting for us to come home tonight. Another thing is I have a 4D scan appointment for Saturday (23^rd of Oct) and I don’t want any tube on my baby during his scan…but the doctor mentioned that the need for the procedure will be discussed after all the scan.

We were asked to wait in the lounge with other distressed couples. Some of them are crying for some reason. I just remembered that I am at the foetal medicine unit of the hospital and of course, they specialise in baby who might or have a problem. We were then called again by the Foetal medicine consultant in her room and when she started scanning, she did say “This is the worst I have seen!.” She really frightens me thinking there is a new problem that they identify with baby Luke. But after a while, I have realized that she is pertaining to this old Ultrasound machine that she is using. I am getting paranoid and I started to smile.

When she finished the final scan which then again is checked by another foetal medicine consultant and Foetal surgeon and observed by 3 more staff behind me (2 doctors and 1 NICU nurse), she spoke to Prof Nicolaides herself and finalized the decision. She came with the final verdict. She considers Baby Luke’s lung size acceptable at this stage and does not require FETO surgery.  The consultant said that the baby does not meet the criteria to undergo the procedure as they only offer it to babies whose chances are very slim. We were informed that there is a 50% chance of survival even without any management before delivery. There are still chances of neonatal death due to lung hypoplasia which is one of the major problem after birth.

I know that Luke is still unwell at this time and not perfectly fine on time of birth, but at least we were given 50% hope.  That is even better to hear than being told of 10% chance or no chance at all.

It’s been a very long and tiring day for us but going to Kings College Hospital is worth a visit. We’re pretty sure that we have done all our best and considered all the options available. Then God will take care of the rest. We thanked the Lord for better news today and still very hopeful for some more.

18th Oct 2010 - 27th wk scan (LHR and Liver position)

Scan shows: CDH left sided. Shows further herniation of abdominal contents up into the left side of the chest with significant are of liver measuring 30x27 mm seen behind the stomach and bowel. The heart remains deviated to the right side but normal anatomy and great artery connections. The basic 2 perpendicular measurement LHR is 1.3 today indicating poorer prognosis at present.

So, that explains it all. This time, I took things easily. I felt so weird maybe because, I was more prepared this time. Scan is not even getting any better…it’s probably getting worst. But I still would like to know my options. After the detailed explanation from Foetal medicine specialist midwife, I was given a clearer picture that I will have a planned deliver thru C-section so the team will be present on time of delivery. The baby’s condition is unpredictable until the time of birth and nobody can tell what is going to happen. After quietly listening to her and Mr. Shah, I have told her that “I can see all the possibilities that may arise after delivery, I am even expecting the worst scenario…but as a parent, in the back of my mind, I am still expecting the impossible and miracles to happen. And I would like to try every possible option available”. I mentioned about the possibilities of FETO (Fetoscopic tracheal occlusion) surgery. I asked if this will be another option for me to consider. Will it do me and my baby any benefit while he's in my womb or even right after birth?. I’d like to weigh the risks involved if I undergo the procedure against baby’s very poor condition after birth. I am glad they got my point. Ms. Amanda is very comforting telling me that she understood what I’m trying to say. I am sure she is a mother herself who can feel the heart of a mom to protect her helpless child. She assured me that she will book me an appointment with a specialist in London where we can inquire about the possibilities of the FETO surgery and maybe, a second opinion on the management of treatment.

After a day, I was booked to see Prof. Nicolaides in King’s College Hospital in London on the 21^st of October. It was a mixed emotion but I have to plan everything from our travelling, Lianne’s school arrangements and everything.

CDH awareness ribbon

Official Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia Awareness Ribbon - Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia is a deadly birth defect that has struck over half a million babies since 2000. CDH occurs when the diaphragm fails to fully form, allowing abdominal organs into the chest cavity... and preventing lung growth. 50% of these babies do not survive. The cause is unknown. Please help CHERUBS to raise awareness of Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. http://www.cdhsupport.org/ Add Stickers to your profile pictures at http://apps.facebook.com/fribbon/group.php?gid=3443&refer=pp

17th Oct 2010... Luke 18: 1-8

17^th October 2010

Another scan due tomorrow, what do I expect this time…It’s my husband’s 38^th birthday tomorrow and I feel so selfish to ask gift from God, in his behalf. I was talking to the Lord and I asked him to spare Luke to us and help him to be okey and healthy once he is born.

We attended the 3^rd Sunday mass celebrated by our good priest friend, Fr. Edgar. I know it will be another moment for us coz I can’t help but cry every time I hear God’s message for us. I don’t know if it’s just a mere coincidence, but this is HIS message to us through the Sunday gospel:

Luke 18: 1-8

Jesus told his disciples a parable about the need to pray continually and never lose heart. ”There was a judge in a certain town” he said “who had neither fear of God nor respect form man”. In the same town there was a widow who keep on coming to him and saying, “I want justice from you against my enemy!” For a long time he refused, but at last he said to himself, “Maybe I have neither fear of God nor respect form man, but since she keeps pestering me I must give this widow her just rights, or she will persist in coming and worry me to death.” And the Lord said, “You notice what the unjust judge has to say? Now will not God see justice done to his chosen who cry to him day and night even when he delays to help them? I promise you, he will see justice done to them, and done speedily. Bu when the Son of Man comes, will he find any faith on earth?”

This seems a very clear message for me not to give up praying and to continuously trust in HIM. As Fr. Edgar said, “Kulitin mo ang Diyos, at sa bandang huli bibigay din Sya”. But one sad part of the homily says that sometimes, even how hard we prayed to God to answer our prayers, God may chose not to grant our wishes. Not because He wants us to suffer, not because He wants us to hate Him…but maybe because, He has a purpose.